Drunk in charge of a nuclear warhead

The Lady Fuchsia has a very strange attitude towards boardgaming.
It's an ok and wholesome activity to engage in with the children (educational, good for social skills and interaction, fun and family-bonding etc) but a dark and perverse ritual when only adults are included.

A few weeks ago, she was out for a meal with some of her friends, one evening - so I invited Poodle around for a few hands of Dominion. When my lady wife returned home, you would have thought I'd invited a serial killer to tea. A conversation ensued about how I couldn't wait for her to go out so that I could feed my gaming obsession.

I find it very bizarre. When I am home alone - I could chose to watch TV but my preference is to have some interaction with a like minded human being. And this is seen as obsessive.
Perhaps I should just download some pr0n on expenses.

This whole philosophy is at its most peculiar when it comes to me going out for the night.
Last week my sister in law was up, with her grossly unendearing offspring, and I was handed an evening pass. However, I was actively encouraged to go do something 'healthy' like meet a bunch of mates for 10 beers and a curry rather than sloping off to the Hustlers for a games night.

What kind of social norm is this ?

That's not to say that I'm not keen on a firkin of ale and a Chicken Jalfrezi - actually, I'm rather partial. But on a Tuesday night ? When I've got to look presentable and unsmelly in the morning ? (rather than unshaven and reeking of spices).

Why would my wife rather me be a lager lout than an edge geek ?
I'm too old to be a lager lout (and I don't care much for lager unless it is Duvel, Leffe or similar Belgian delicacies).

So, anyway, clearly I said I was off down the pub and went to the Hustlers anyway. Trouble is, I had to drink a bottle of wine during the gaming in order to ensure that I did not arouse any suspicions.
This would explain the fact that I won the first game (Neuroshima Hex) but things went rapidly downhill from there. I nearly became a terrorist in War on Terror but was worried that it would be too hot wearing the "Balaclava of Evil" and so my empire limped in at a pretty poor second or third place. And in MarraCash I could not convince any of the little meeples to come share a coffee with me in my fine Carpet Emporium. I have a dim recollection that I came in last.

Still, I was drunk and that was the important thing. Honour was satisfied, wife was happy. Win win.
Apart from the snoring.

This is not a Love Song

and this is not a games blog.

I feel I should point this out because, over the last few weeks, I've had the pleasure of seeing links to this humble place I call home (or the kitchen, or the castle, dependent on my mood) popping up on a wide variety of other "games blogs"

So, don't get me wrong, I'm pleased with the attention - or, to be more precise, the traffic - but I do have some concerns that some people are travelling all this way, thinking that they are going to get endless game reviews and further geeky information, only to be disappointed with the random nature of the posts I put up.

You see whilst I do like talking about games (you've noticed, huh ?) I also like burbling about other stuff.

In my experience gamers don't always appreciate this.
It's as if all "gamers" have been stamped out of the same template and the only interests they are allowed to have is in the world of cubes, dice and tiles. There is some wiggle room around Star Trek, Lord of the Rings and associated fantasy themes but that's pretty much the allowable scope.
Start talking about the cricket, or the economic recession, over at the Dice Tower guild and see the short shrift you get from all but the most enlightened.

In that way, it is a very insular looking community where there is an assumption of homogeneity. This probably accounts for the sporadic holy wars that break out ("ameritrash" versus "eurogamers") which to the outsider look to be based on insignificant and indiscernible nuances. Kind of like the whole catholic vs protestant thing that bemuses anyone outside the christian faith.

So, anyway, thanks for popping by. I hope the traffic was not too bad and that you've got time to visit every room in the castle - whether it be the games room, the music room or even, occasionally, the TV room.

Talking of the TV, by the way, what's all this nonsense that's been going on with the fat Scottish woman who is the darling of "Britains Got Talent" now ?
I caught five minutes of this regurgitated poor excuse for creative scheduling, last night, and that Cowell bloke was apologising for having made fun of her frumpiness because, as it turns out, she's got quite a nice voice.

So, apparently, it's ok to make fun of people who look a bit dowdy if they can't sing - but, if they can, then they are off limits and grovelling apologies are in order. Isn't that a bit unfair on those of us not blessed with consenting vocal chords ?
Another reason why I don't watch telly any more, I guess.
And another reason why the games room is proportionally bigger.

First Blood

I've been chomping at the bit to give Combat Commander:Europe a go, for some time now.

Last night the orders finally came through and I sat down, with the Hustler, for a slugfest in some far off foreign field (should have read the scenario in more detail).

I think I would categorise this game as the love child of ASLSK and Command and Colours. A match made in heaven.

What appeals to me about war games is the ability to tell (or retell) a story; there's so much more to it than just the mechanics - there's the feeling of a developing narrative which can be remembered long after the game has ended. (War of the Ring is a cracking game in this regard)

What does not appeal to me about wargames, is all the fiddly chits and - more often than not - the fiddly rule sets.

Whilst Combat Commander still maintains the small chits it makes up for this by providing a large enough map with a small enough stacking limit. No tweezers required. And it takes the card driven mechanic from the Command and Colours stable, adding huge depth and breadth, without over complicating the game play. Somehow the circle has been squared.

And so to battle.
I started as the Nazis, aiming to punch a line through the defending Yanks in order to (I presume) meet up with friendly German units somewhere off the board. Loads of tree cover, loads of buildings, huh! a walk in the park.

The Hustler had other ideas and soon my units were all pinned down (cowering) in a rusting old shed, caught up in barbed wire, and - as the game drew to its inevitable conclusion - ducking for cover in a nearby copse .... stumbling across a carefully laid minefield on the way.
I was slaughtered.
Muttering under my breath about Command Confusion, the lack of artillery support and the general softness of my line units, we agreed to swap sides and see if I could fare any better as the clearly over powered Allies.

Of course, he did a lot better, and before I knew it there were Nazis pouring out of the trees and my surprised GIs were breaking all over the place.
But I had learnt a trick or two - and this game is full of nice fog of war surprises. Never say die and all that. Gott in Himmel, Tommy, you have fought well, but now you must die.

In a last ditch effort I forced the clock to end, before the Nazis had met their objective, by sacrificing a few good ol' country boys here and there. Historically probably a little dodgy. I was not the Japanese after all. But it worked, and a surprised Hustler ended the evening tied 1-1 against the musty young kitchen boy.

Honour had been satisfied.
A rematch is already on the cards.

Temporal Ramblings

I remember reading somewhere that, in Greenland, distances are not measured in miles or kilometers but in the time it takes to get from one place to another.

So, for example Godhavn to Paamuit might be given as "3 days" on a road sign rather than "200 miles" (no idea as to the distance, by the way, just picking some numbers at random).

Actually I do know where I read this - it was in "Miss Smilla's Feeling for Snow" by Peter Hoeg. I also have a feeling that this novel peddled out the, now discredited, claim that Eskimos have 50+ words for snow... so I can't speak as to the accuracy of the 'distance by time' claim.

However, it does not seem that unreasonable. After all Astronomers use a similar metric when they talk about light years - that is to say the distance that light can travel in a vacuum in a year. (The vacuum caveat being important lest the light protons get caught in a snarl up at the Basingstoke roundabout).

I used to use a similar metric on my daily commute to work. The distance was "One Spiel". That is to say I could listen to an entire episode of the Spiel podcast on my way into the office.

Of course, this was in the early days of the Spiel when it clocked in at around an hour.

Now, here's the spooky part and the purpose of this seemingly random post. Over a period of about a year I noticed my daily trip into work starting to take longer. But somehow the Spiel kept pace. By the time I left the company, last December, my commute had become slightly over an hour and a half but so had the Spiel.

So... had Dave and Stephen subconsciously increased the length of their show, through some bizarre empathetic mindmeld, to my frustrated ass sitting in the traffic queues? Or was the increase in my daily journey somehow extended temporally to fit the new expanded schedule ?

What I'm saying is, was it their fault that my daily grind got worse ? Did the traffic expand, through some strange laws of cause and effect, to ensure that my journey remained at "One Spiel". How did they do that ? And is that the danger of measuring distance by time ?

I've changed jobs now and broken the cycle.

My journey now takes "One 2112".

Cross(ed) Wires

I've been having no end of issues with my internet connection over the last few days. It's been particularly bad today when the line has been dropping every five minutes or so.

Exceedingly frustrating when you are trying to work from home... and also when you're trying to comment on a couple of BGG discussion threads.

I phoned my ISP and, following a few pings and assorted inscrutable line tests, they blamed BT. Given that the phone was also crackly I certainly believed this diagnosis.

So I phoned BT, they ran their own line tests and claimed that everything was running perfectly, thank you very much, and it was my nasty internet provider who was at fault. When I asked about the bad line they suggested that the broadband signal was probably messing things up. Yeah, right. (Ironically BT had to phone me back on my iPhone because my home line was so bad).

After much arguing they said they could send an engineer, to my home address, but if it transpired that it was either my fault, or the ISPs, then I would be liable for a £170 call out fee plus unspecified repair costs. Who would decide accountability seemed to be open for discussion. Or more likely a red bill.

I told them to stick their dodgy service where the sun would not shine and informed them I'd be straight on the phone to Virgin and Which? magazine (in that order).

Interestingly, when I popped into town a couple of minutes ago I noticed two BT vans 300 yards from the castle. Five engineers were in a trench. One was scratching his head.

Whilst this does not fill me with comfort I am wondering what came first (the chicken or the egg?). Are my issues related to dodgy labourers or are they there as a result of my irate call ?

I suspect the former but would prefer the latter.

Old Chessnut

I can't remember the last time I played chess.

 

My attention is constantly diverted by all those other lovely, bright and shiny, new games. Even now I am lusting after Small World, despite the fact that it was inspired by a goddam awful boat ride at Disney World (A ride that I endured for the sake of my children. A ride that has left me scarred for life), and regardless of the fact that it is a dumbing down of Vinci which itself seems to have been a recycled version of History of the World.

 

Furthermore, if I'm going to play an abstract game then Go is always my first choice. Followed by Shogi and then Xianqi. Chess, you see, brings up the rear.

In fact I'm playing a few games of pbem Go, right now, on the Dragon Server and I have Xianqi on my iPhone.

 

What chance the humble Western descendant of Shatranj ? Much unloved by the gaming community.

 

Actually, I can remember the last time I played. It was in a hotel bar in Bad Homburg, Germany.

I think I won.

At least I remember victory but there was a good deal of wiesenbeer sloshing around at the time.

 

So, anyway, I was over at the Hustler's new pad, last night, trying out his wine and checking out his games collection.

We had a quick game of speed chess whilst we waited for Poodle to turn up (he can sniff people drinking red wine at a distance of 3 miles).

 

I managed to sneak a win, despite some early losses, but even then I don't think I was bothered either way.

Whereas my subsequent win at Web of Power was hugely satisfying.

 

I wonder why this is. Chess isn't a bad game and yet it leaves me really cold.

Perhaps it is too clinical. Or too familiar as a cultural backdrop - part of everyday life rather than an interesting challenge.

 

I feel kind of guilty about it.

 

 

 

Stats

I've been reading the OECD "Society at a Glance 2009" report.

 

For an Edge-Geek it's an interesting diversion. For example, the statistics show that the French spend more time eating and sleeping than any other developed nation. I knew there was a reason why I had affinity for my gallic cousins (I though it was just big nose empathy).

It seems that the French are the cats of the OECD.

 

In Italy the men get 80 minutes more leisure time a day than the women.

Sadly this drops to about 15 hours in the UK and plateaus out at -20 in Gormenghast (although that last statistic was missed by the report authors).

 

Drilling down to 'Measuring Leisure in the OECD' it transpires that of the spare time we have available, in the UK, around 41% of it is spent in front of the TV or listening to the Radio. I'm willing to guess that is predominantly the TV option.

39% of the time is spent on 'other activities' which are, sadly, not broken out.

 

So that includes playing game and blogging about playing games.

Oh, and blogging about stats.

 

Clearly the figures are skewed by couch potatoes because I only watch, on average, two hours of TV a week.

(Reggie Perrin + Mitchell and Web+ Have I Got News for You + occasional news broadcasts when something interesting has happened)

 

Or am I just a statistical outlier ?

 

 

Feeding Dracula

I used to be a veracious reader - devouring everything in my path.

These days it seems that I can be on a book for months on end, progressing with all the speed of an over analytical games player planning their final move in Tikal.

There are many reasons for this.
If I ever sit down with a book the Lady Fuchsia presumes I am bored and brings forth a list of jobs that need doing (water the plants, clean out the rabbit, iron the kid's school uniform, yada yada). It's not just the devil who finds work for idle hands to do.

Unless... no, let's not go there.

And, of course, the internet does not help on the free time front. Blogging. Twittering. BSW. The time sinks are endless and the humble written page often takes a back seat.

Finally (dare I say it?) there are, also, always games to be played during those downtimes. After all, I can't neglect Steerpike Jr when he needs to brush up his Dominion skills.

So, I was pleased to find a new way of acting semi-literate in this information rich lifestyle that I seem to have dropped into. A new kind of book club.
The 'real time' novel.

I'm currently enjoying Dracula, as it happens, as it were.
Confused ?

Basically, the idea is take an epistolary novel (our vampire friend being a prime example) and serialise it as a blog - posting each of the events on the day that it happened in the book.
It's a neat idea and it encourages you to keep reading because you don't want to get behind.
[here's a link in case you missed it above]

I've never read Dracula - although I've seen countless movies and played a few games.
So it's really interesting to follow it in its original form, all be it with a 21st Century twist.

Although I could strangle Jonathan Harker. He is so dumb. I hope he doesn't make it past chapter four.

Postal Permutations

I'm really enjoying Dominion at the moment. It's a fantastic little game with an immense amount of replayability as it comes with 25 sets of cards,of which only 10 are used in any contest.

Coming up with a strategy for the discreet card combinations of the moment is quite a knack and will, I think, keep this game fresh.

Anyway - the number of permutations went up by a factor of two, today, as I received in the post the eagerly awaited BGG promo cards. Two more decks of ten (The Envoy and The Black Market) to throw into the mix, before I have even fully wrapped my head around the ones I've already got.

I think I need to hold of from buying anything more for awhile.

Although the new, full, Dominion expansion is already beckoning me lustily from the pages of BoardGameGeek.

Great Gaming Quotes of our Time

The gaming world is full of insightful proverbs.

 

The Go master will tell you that "the bamboo joint may be short of liberties"

 

In Shogi we are reminded that "the dragon had better be inside"

 

Western Chess teaches that "When the game is over, the pawn and the king go back to the same box"

 

and, of course, "money isn't everything but it is a tie breaker in Powergrid"

 

 

So, what of our Cornish cousins ? Living down in the Far South playing Tinners Trail and keeping the best cream teas for themselves.

Poodle and I had some insight into ancient Cornish wisdom, just the other night, when the Hustler (who splits his domiciles between Kernow and the shires that surround Gormenghast) came out with what can only be described as one of the great gaming quotes of our time:

 

"you can't give your pastie back once you've taken a bite"

 

Interestingly, although we had not been drinking, we all remembered it in a slightly different way.

 

Poodle remembers it as "if yee 'ave bitten in t' yer paaaasteee, yee caaaant givert bak" but given that the Hustler has a strange Northern Irish cum North Atlantic accent I think this might be poetic licence. However, his translation is probably closer to the intent.

 

The Clotted Hustler, on the other hand, only remembers using the phrase "you snooze, you lose" which does not seem to be related to any meat-based pastry delicacy.

 

Given we were playing Leader1, until 1:30am, I guess its no surprise that the original utterance has been lost in the midst of Avalonian time.

 

Televising Games

I'm not a big fan of the TV. I guess the underlying problem is that I have fairly minority tastes which are better catered for by the internet than they are by commissioning editors.

It's easy to take the moral high ground and talk about the 'lowest common denominator' nature of the medium - or the non interactive structure of the experience (a line of argument much beloved by the web2.0 crowd) - but this is to belittle some of the excellent shows that have been produced. Sadly not enough to satisfy my tastes but then I am somewhat out of tune with the rest of society.

Anyway, when I got home from work this evening, the pikelets were watching a strange show which appeared to consist of a competition between two grown men. The basis for the challenge was dropping peas from a great height in an effort to get them into the neck of a wine bottle.

Yes, riveting stuff.

Now, I'd be the first to admit that as a pub sport this might be fun - though I've never actually seen it before. But to broadcast it ? Is this really what people want to watch on ITV2 ?

I guess so. After all, there are a lot of people who watch darts (fat blokes throwing tiny arrows) or golf (televised sky).

Now I come to think about it, I can't help wondering why there are not more programs based around games. In the 1970s they used to have a half hour Chess show, where an earnest commentator would talk you through the moves of the top professionals. I used to like that.

And in Japan it is not uncommon to televise major Go matches.

Staying up late, watching the goggle box in business hotels around the world, I've also noticed that Texas Hold 'Em is a popular TV show. I find this one on the cusp of interesting, but often it is just a bunch of blokes sitting around chewing the fat while the game carries on in the background, often leaving me bemused as to who is winning and whether any one will be shot in the back when the Dead Man's Hand comes up.

But if we can have darts, and poker, and pea-bottle dropping then why can't someone televise a Tigris and Euphrates game ? Or El Grande ? Or 1960 ?

How cool would that be ?

Channel 4 did a great job of making the cricket interesting to the outsider - perhaps they could have a go at some of the Eurogames, splicing in some Spanish pageanty as the Castille is revealed. Surely there is a market opportunity here.

GTV (Game TV) - or STV (Spiel TV). Anyone want to invest ?

the difficult second album

Trends come and go.

If you stick in the mud long enough there will inevitably come a point when you find yourself back at the cutting edge of public opinion and possibly even in vogue.

 

I was once described as fashionably out of fashion, which I took to be a compliment but probably wasn't.

I've not been ahead of the Zeitgeist since 1985 when I went to see the Smiths at Leicester Polytechnic, the student union floor was covered in those big stalky flowers much loved by a pre-fame Morrissey, and Hand in Glove was still an obscure release which could only be sourced via the "Select-a-Scratch" downmarket record emporium.

 

So imagine my surprise to find that a number of celebrity bloggers (examples here and here) have been shamelessly repeating my previous post at their much visited sites. Though far less eloquent than yours truly (can't get the publicists these days), the parallels are there and they are clearly assimilating into the Steerpike borg.

 

(If you must write prose and poems the words you use should be your own / don't plagiarise or take on loan / there's always someone out there with a big nose who knows / etc) Is there any irony in quoting an old Smiths song about not quoting other peoples words ? Not sure. Is that post-modern humour ? Or just lack of material.

 

Anyway, I guess I have finally joined the ranks of C-list celebs and it is only a matter of time before I get a call from Ant and Dec and I find myself in a jungle surrounded by failing pop stars and buxom women keen on increasing their exposure (ooh, er, misses).

 

At least I'll get plenty of times to read the rules to all the El Grande expansions.

This is something I need to do, anyway, to stop Poodle coming up with house rules that benefit his wayward Cabelleros, who have spent far too much time sailing to the New World and not enough looking after the needs of the provinces. Somewhere, along the line, his cubes seem to have developed teleporting devices which allow them to return every time a vote is called.

Thematically suspect but, apparently, sour grapes on my part.

 

Lets just call it El Grande Fluxx, shall we ? All royalties to Looney Labs.

 

So, anyway, is rambling back in fashion yet - or should I stick to the point ?

 

Actually there isn't one except to say that this would have been better as a Tweet but using less than 140 characters can be tough sometimes.

 

When I first started using Jaiku, I made my posts a haiku:

 

"Celebs honour me, repeating my words anew, poodle reads rules wrong"

 

but I suspect that this is too pompous for Twitter, so :

 

"omg - wtf ? the celebs are plagiarising me ! oh and btw Poodle + rules = lmao !!"

Punks Not Dead

Not had the chance to update the castle blog for awhile.

It's not that I have been turned into a cylon - although, as it transpires, Poodle is a frackin toaster (have I said that right?) ...but not a sufficiently competent one to stop President, and High Admiral, Steerpike from leading the fleet safely back to Earth. Yes, I held both titles. It was either that or trust the Hustler and his American side kick.

Nor is it because I've been spending the nights, burning the midnight oil, learning Hungarian trick taking games. Although I have been reading up on them and preparing the King of Nuts for his first outing.

No, I think the problem is Twittering.

I read an interesting article over at Social Media Today, a few weeks ago entitled "The Blogosphere vs the Statusphere". Basically, the argument was that there is a huge decline in blogging because so many people now find it easier, and more convenient, to post snippets in their status fields (be it Twitter, Facebook or whatever).

Why write a long, rambling, post when you can keep it short and sweet in a tweet ?

I think that there is some truth in this.
Increasingly I find that the day to day observations, which would previously have made it into one of my postings, find themselves surfaced in real time via Twitter. I'm using up my material too early.
I then find it something of a faff to go back and flesh out the interesting stuff into meaningful blog entries. And why would I, when the original thought has already been released into the wild ?

I guess it's just a trend.
Twitter (and other macroblogging tools) is like a punk band.
Blogger is more your self indulgent, album based, rock combo.

Right now I seem to be more into pogo-ing in the front row than building a complex psychological wall based structure to represent my angst.

I suggest the Maples should form a union, and demand equal rights.